The Official Guide to Winning an Oscar

The five movies up for nomination this year consist of artsy-fartsy flim critic fodder. Missing among them are two of the best movies I've ever seen in the theater: The Passion of the Christ & The Incredibles. The former left me emotionally floored. The later was one of the best fantasy films ever made, up there with The Wizard of OZ, Star Wars, or the Princess Bride.

How did obscure films beat out some of the highest grossing, most influential, thought-provoking, well-made movies of the year. Just follow these easy steps:

(1) Don't do anything innovative, like use new special effects.

(2) Don't ever make a cartoon, despite how flexible or visually stunning the medium may seem.

(3) Don't ever make science fiction. All that technology just gets in the way of your characters' angst and self-absorption .

(4) Make your movies as sophisticated and nuanced that no one can relate to it. Classic tales of bravery and heroics are for people with GEDs.

(5) Most importantly, don't make any allusions to conservative religion, politics or philosophy in your movies. It causes alzheimer's disease in actors.

If you follow these easy steps, you'll wind up beating other filmmakers who failed to play along. Just look at this list

1932-33: Cavalcade vs. King Kong


1937: The Life of Emile Zola vs. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs


1941: How Green Was My Valley vs. Citizen Kane


1946: The Best Years of Our Lives vs. It's a Wonderful Life


1956: Around the World in 80 Days vs. The Ten Commandments


1960: The Apartment vs. Psycho


1968: Oliver! vs. 2001: A Space Odyssey


1977: Annie Hall vs. Star Wars


1981: Chariots of Fire vs. Raiders of the Lost Ark


1982: Gandhi vs. E.T.


1983: Terms of Endearment vs. Return of the Jedi


1987: The Last Emperor vs. The Princess Bride


1998: Shakespeare in Love vs. Saving Private Ryan


1999: American Beauty vs. The Matrix


2002: Chicago vs. The Count of Monte Cristo
(Trust me. If you haven't seen it, do so immediately)