EXTRA: One-Celled Organisms Offend by, Officially Boycott, IMAO

In one bold stroke, Frank J. manages to piss off all three Abrahamic religions at once

Every American should be allowed to join in, even if you're Jewish or atheist, but you still have to forcefully convert the heathens to Christianity or have them meet your sword (well, M-16). When I forcefully convert people, I love the line, "Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I'll gut you and your family!" because it has that nice bit of irony to it.

Of course, the main goal is to get to the holy land and, just like with the moon, plant our flag there and declare it the property of America and America alone. Of course, there are some tough Jews near there, but I'm sure they'll rent the area to us at reasonable prices. Along the way to the holy land, we should make a stop at Mecca where it is believe the terrorist mastermind Allah is hiding out. He's always the one cited as instigating terrorist acts though never carrying them out himself. If I know people like Allah, he's really a coward and will surrender without a shot. Then, we can make him sign a document declaring that "Jesus is superfly!" which will really disenchant Allah's followers.

God would strike Frank dead if he didn't find him so hilarious.